Fathers, Separation, and Their Children
Family separation and divorce are some of the most challenging experiences for families, and the impact on children can be profound. In my practice, I’ve worked with many fathers who are grappling with the changes that come with separation, particularly when it comes to maintaining a healthy relationship with their children.
The Role of Parents After Family Separation
One thing I try to emphasise to parents is that regardless of the conflicts or disagreements that may arise between separated parents, the simple truth remains you will always be a parent to your children. That role never fades, no matter the challenges you face. The responsibility to prioritise your child’s well-being, even in the midst of separation, remains at the heart of your role as a parent.
A Powerful TV Example: Working Together for the Children
This reminds me of a touching moment from the SBS series About Men: About Women. where it showed a young boy, no older than six, spending time with each of his parents after their separation. What stood out was the arrangement where, instead of just brief exchanges during handovers, the parents would sit together on a park bench over coffee while their son played nearby. This simple yet profound gesture demonstrated a commitment to showing their child that, despite the separation, they could still be present and cooperative. It’s this kind of collaboration that can have a lasting, positive impact on children. If only more separating parents could come to this sort of arrangement, things would be (I believe) so much better for so many people.
The Long-Term Impact of Separation on Children
It’s not surprising that children who witness or experience acrimonious separations often face challenges long after the dust has settled. I’ve seen this firsthand in my practice. This is why, in initial consultations with new clients, when preparing a genogram (Family Tree), I will ask about the age at which their parents separated, assuming that is the case. It is quite common for me to find adult clients who have still been negatively impacted, decades later by tarental separation. So (to my eyes) it is imperative that separating parents do all in their power to limit the “damage” to children.
Seeking Support for Separation and Parenting
Fortunately, there are various supports available for separating and separated parents, e.g. via relationships Australia, like Parenting After Separation – Putting Children First, Separation and Divorce: What Now?. This is apart from any other organisations like Anglicare WA and their Counselling and separation services, like the Family is Forever program and Men’s Time.
Dr. Phil Watts’ Approach: Treating Parenting Like a Business Partnership
Dr. Phil Watts, a psychologist from Perth, offers an insightful approach: he suggests that separating parents should treat raising their children as if they are in a business partnership. The ‘business’ here is the well-being and emotional growth of the children. In his book “Shared care or divided lives? : what’s best for children when parents separate” he writes of a range of issues related to what is in the best interests of the child, in settings where the parents separate. (Also available to purchase via his website.)
As when parents shift their focus to this common goal, they can work through their differences more effectively, for the sake of the kids. This approach encourages cooperative parenting and better communication, essential in difficult situations.
Family Violence Restraining Orders (FVRO) and Their Impact
Unfortunately, not all relationship breakdowns are peaceful, and some involve allegations of domestic violence. For men, in particular, this can complicate their ability to maintain contact with their children. It’s essential to acknowledge that domestic violence, in any form, can have devastating effects not only on the partner involved but, on the children, as well.
As much as some might like to claim that the courts are biased against men, there can be no doubt that it is men who go murdering their ex-partners or wives. As the Australian Bureau of Statistics reported on their website, “There were 157 victims of family and domestic violence (FDV) homicide and related offences recorded nationally in 2023, an increase of 20% (26 victims) from the previous year.” It goes on to say:
“FDV related homicide victims were most commonly:
- female (60% or 94 victims)
- aged 55 years or over (36% or 57 victims)”
The statistics underscore the severity of the issue, reminding us that controlling emotions and actions is paramount in protecting both the partner and children.
Prevention Is Better Than Cure
While no doubt many (hopefully most) men will say “I’d never do that”, when guys get frustrated and annoyed, particularly if the (female) partner has left them. In other words, the woman thought “enough is enough” and taken steps to get out of a situation they see as dangerous. Some men will do things they will later regret. It can be too late; the damage is done. (Related to this you might find useful the “Refrigerator Quote” about the boy with a bad temper and the “Bag of Nails”, or others on the same webpage.)
Prevention is always better than cure. If you struggle with anger or frustration in your relationship, it’s important to take proactive steps before things spiral out of control. Therapy and anger management can be invaluable tools for anyone who feels like they’re losing control of their emotions. It’s vital to recognise that in moments of frustration, it’s your choice to step away and take control of the situation. Seeking professional help before things escalate could save you from making regrettable decisions later.
Recognising Domestic Violence: It’s Not Just Physical
Domestic Violence is not just physical. The Duluth Model identifies a collection of actions that are seen as Domestic Violence, and it’s crucial to recognise this early to prevent further harm. The Power and Control Wheel shows how psychological, emotional, and financial abuse can affect relationships just as much as physical violence.
The Toxicity of a “Broken” Relationship
While the breakdown of relationships involving children can get quite toxic and acrimonious, I would hope that not too many clients need to make use of books like Co-parenting with a toxic ex : what to do when your ex-spouse tries to turn the kids against you. It’s essential to understand that a healthy co-parenting relationship, even with differences, is far better for the child’s well-being than engaging in bitter conflicts.
You can find more resources through the State Library catalogue which is included under the “Parenting” links on the “Books and Movies” section on the HPCCH.com.au webpage.
In Summary: Seek Help Before It’s Too Late
The breakdown of a relationship involving children can be overwhelming. However, by prioritising the well-being of your children and seeking help before issues become insurmountable, you can minimise the long-term effects on everyone involved. Prevention is much better than attempts at “cure”. If you have troubles with your temper or anger, and can’t cope with the idea of being in a relationship where you both make joint decisions or “agree to disagree” (amicably), perhaps it’s time (before it’s too late) to seek help, by making a booking to see me or one of the other sources of assistance listed above.
The sooner you seek help, the better the outcome—for you and for your children.
