Infidelity, whether emotional, physical, or both, is a deeply personal and painful topic that affects many couples, even if it’s often kept behind closed doors. Over my decades working as a psychologist and clinical hypnotherapist, I’ve supported individuals and couples navigating the aftermath of betrayal. What I’ve learned is this: love and infidelity are more closely linked than many people realise, and understanding this connection is a critical step toward healing.
What Counts as Infidelity?
In Weeks, Gambescia and Jenkins (2003 book), they say in every committed relationship, ‘there’s usually an assumed or explicit agreement about emotional and sexual exclusivity’. While this can differ in polyamorous, open, or same-sex relationships, the pain that follows a breach of trust is often the same.
Infidelity can look different depending on the context:
- A one-off “mistake”, such as a night out while interstate.
- An ongoing emotional and or sexual connection with someone outside the relationship.
- Use of sex workers.
- Fully-fledged long-term affairs.
No matter the form, infidelity often causes emotional fallout that challenges the foundations of trust and connection in a relationship.
Love, Infidelity, and Pop Culture
Our culture is no stranger to infidelity; it’s everywhere in film, television, and even our tabloids. Just a few examples that come to mind include:
- The Bridges of Madison County – a quiet yet powerful story of love and secrecy where Meryl Streep’s character’s short and significant affair is not discovered by her family till after her death.
- Shirley Valentine – where the central character tires of the boring routine and her unmet emotional needs drives her to seek connection elsewhere. That’s apart from the ungrateful adult daughter who treats her like a servant! Shirley decides to fulfill her fantasy of going to a Greek island, “Yes I’m going to Greece for the sex! Sex, for breakfast, sex for tea, and sex for supper!” she yells out the window to her ungrateful daughter.
- Brokeback Mountain – a decades-long hidden same-sex love affair that coexists beside a conventional family life.
Even real-life shows like the ABC’s You Can’t Ask That — particularly the Cheaters and Swingers episodes offer insight into how common and complex infidelity is in modern relationships.
The Psychology of Cheating
According to a 2011 study referenced by the Kinsey Institute, 23% of men and nearly 20% of women admitted to cheating in their current relationships. These numbers reinforce what many already know: infidelity is not rare. And it’s not always driven by dissatisfaction alone; factors like opportunity, personal values, and even sexual identity can play a role.
Psychologist Douglas Lusterman identified eight motivations behind affairs:
- Midlife crisis
- Entitlement
- Sexual identity questions
- Sexual addiction
- Exploratory curiosity
- Retaliation
- Exit strategy
- Triangular (tripod) affairs
The above observations are not to say that emotional or physical infidelity is inevitable in a long-term relationship (whatever that is), but that it is quite common, and probably more common than may be expected.
Can Couples Recover from Infidelity?
Yes, but it’s not easy, and it’s not guaranteed. Healing takes time, honesty, and often, professional support. Some couples find their relationship grows stronger after confronting infidelity; others realise it’s time to part ways. Either path can be healing in its own right.
Books like After the Affair by Janis Abrahms Spring provide guidance, but sometimes what’s really needed is a space to talk, be heard, and begin again.
Final Thoughts
Infidelity doesn’t mean the end of love but it does mean a new chapter needs to begin. If you’re ready to explore what that looks like for you, I’m here to help.
When You’re Ready, I’m Here
If you or someone you care about is struggling with the impact of love and infidelity, whether in the present or as part of your relationship history, know that help is available.
I offer appointments in both Huntingdale (Thornlie) and St James (Bentley), with after-hours sessions at Huntingdale-Thornlie available.
Book a session via HealthEngine
Or call my office on 1300 50 67 68 (Mon–Fri, 8am–5pm)
