Bisexuality and Mixed Orientation couples.
Due to a combination of factors, I’ve recently been thinking about the potential challenges for “Mixed-Orientation” relationships. These relationships have been described by one researcher (Buxton) as “…any couple in which one spouse experiences same-sex attraction and may or may not identify as lesbian, gay, or bisexual, while the other spouse is heterosexual”.
Some may wonder why would a person with same-sex attractions get involved with an opposite sex partner? While there can be any number of reasons or circumstances for this. It is worth noting the findings of two researchers who in their research “…found that couples actually indicated that they married specifically for love and not to escape or overcome their same sex attractions.” While another researcher referred to their research that “…revealed two sexual identity trajectories: Bisexuals who identify before marriage and reemerge within marriage; or bisexuals who do not identity before marriage but who emerge from within marriage.”
One of the major researchers into bisexuality was Fritz Klein who developed his Klein Sexual Orientation Grid (KSOG) which looks at a collection of aspects of bisexuality.
He has been reported as having
- …distinguished four kinds of bisexuality: transitional, historical, sequential, and concurrent. For some individuals, bisexuality represents a stage in the process of coming out as lesbian or gay, while for others, a gay or lesbian identity is a step in the process of coming out bisexual (transitional bisexuality). Some individuals, whose sexual lives are presently heterosexual or homosexual, have experienced both homosexual and heterosexual attractions or behavior in the past (historical bisexuality). Other individuals have had relationships with both women and men, but with only one person during a particular period of time (sequential bisexuality), while others have had relationships with both men and women during the same time period (concurrent bisexuality). (Fox 1993, p. 41.)
Although there may well be challenges, it does not have to mean the end of the relationship. As Buxton has found “When disclosure of a marital partner’s sexual minority status takes place, about one-third of the couple’s try to stay married, while the other two-thirds end their relationships.”
This scenario involving discovery of bisexuality can create additional complications in terms of whether the bisexuality of one partner (assuming it is only one. i.e. actually, a mixed orientation couple) is known, acknowledged and if so (or not) if or how it is managed in the context of the opposite sex relationship? For example, via polyamory, consensual non-monogamy, deception, “don’t ask don’t tell” or other arrangements of implied or explicit agreements. It could also be that the bisexual partner, sublimates their same-sex interests in a form of sequential bisexuality.
For those going through the potential challenges related to these sorts of scenario’s there are a few books that may be of assistance, and include:
- And then I met this woman: Previously married women’s journeys into lesbian relationships. By Barbee J. Cassingham and Sally M. O’Neil.
- From wedded wife to lesbian life: stories of transformation (1995) edited by Deborah Abbott and Ellen Farmer.
- Bisexual married men: stories of relationships, acceptance, and authenticity (2024) by Robert Brooks Cohen.
- Playing it Straight: gay men and heterosexual marriage (2009) by Milt Ford with a foreword by Amity Pierce Buxton.
- When husbands come out of the closet. (2016) by Jean Schaar Gochros.
A final point being that this discovery of bisexuality (whether acted on or not) may well result in significant changes to the dynamics (possibly even the end) of the relationship between the two parties. Just like an external heterosexual encounter, of either party may put significant strain on the relationship. This will probably require discussion and negotiation as to how to deal with the impacts on the individuals and the couple as a whole. Working with a couple’s counsellor (where “the couple” is the client,) in addition to any individual therapy) may well be what is required to assist both in this scenario.
